When I have to ask someone for something I want, I’m very good at giving them at least one get out clause in the process. What I mean is, I ask for what I want but I also pave the road for them to say no. (By the way, this blog is not about greed or sneaky ways of getting things out of people so if you’re looking for that, you might as well stop here ☺). But it is about something MUCH better!
Here’s some examples of my glorious ability to ask for what I want:
Person: What’s your day rate?
Me: My day rate is £xxx. I’m happy to negotiate something that suits us both though.
Me: The next meetup session will be in one month, it would super if you could come. But obviously I understand if you can’t.
Me: Here’s my business card if you want to check out more of my work, but you don’t have to.
Me: Can you finish this piece of work? If not, I can probably fit it into my schedule.
Did you spot the get out clauses?
‘I can negotiate though’, ‘I understand if you can’t’, ‘You don’t have to’, ‘I don’t mind’ and so on.
What this says is: here’s what I want but I’m too scared to ask for it/ scared of being rejected/ don’t think I’m worthy of it.
What a way to live…
How about you, do you do the same? Do you follow up your requests with this air of meek unworthiness?
If so, STOP THAT!
Let’s make a deal. Let’s stop giving people get out clauses. Let’s know that we are worthy of asking for exactly what we want, or more importantly what we NEED, clearly and confidently.
It may take practise, especially if you have been conditioned into believing that your desires are not important (by the way, they are), or that you are not good enough (by the way, you are) or that your job is to please other people and put them first (by the way, it’s not).
Asking for what we want can be scary, our voice may shake and our anxieties may run high.
But you have to do it!
As with any change in mind set it requires consistent practise and you must take action. Understand that your fears are unwarranted, they are learned behaviours that don’t serve you. Perhaps start by asking for small things and build up to the bigger stuff.
There are many things we have every right to ask for. We can ask for a pay rise if we deserve it, we can ask for a day off work (sounds silly but how many of us feel bad about trying to get a day off?!). We can also ask for better communication in our relationships, for support in the tough times, or for personal space and respect.
You might not always get what you want, but you WILL get something much more valuable
When you practise asking for what you want clearly, confidently and simply (but also respectfully!), you’ll be rewarded with:
- Increased confidence
- Belief in yourself
- Love for yourself
- Respect for yourself
- Strength and courage
These are immensely valuable character traits that will enrich your life to no end. They will elevate you to become the powerful and worthy being that you are. Asking for what you want and more importantly what you need, is an act of self-care. We deserve that.
So go forth! Ask for what you want – properly! ?