It’s been a while since I’ve been rejected by a guy. Not because I’m so amazing that I never get rejected, but because I’ve been off the dating scene for a while. Recently a guy asked for my number and we met up for a coffee. Then he did what’s known as ‘ghosting’. He just stopped messaging me.
Now, I’m one for transparency, honesty and drawing a line under things. I don’t play games. I can’t be arsed. I don’t want to make assumptions or second guess what someone is thinking. I like people to use their words. Speak their truth. Not just go quiet. Unfortunately not everyone thinks that way! So there were a couple of things I wanted: clarity and closure – which by the way, doesn’t always come! Or a second meeting. I went ahead and asked if he’d be up for meeting again.
He said no.
I got my clarity and closure – perfect. But, it was accompanied by that yukky feeling of rejection.
I’m not good enough
I did something wrong
He’s too good for me
Rationally, I knew that none of that was true. But emotions are rarely rational. I knew this pain would pass quickly because I only knew him for about 45 seconds in the grand scheme of my life. But, it was a really intense feeling of rejection. And there have been much worse rejections in my past that festered within me for months and months. And I’m so bored of that! Whether it lasts 2 days, 2 months or 2 years – rejection is so yukky.
So I decided to stop and look at this properly. To look at how I was responding to this rejection.
How could I deal with it in a more empowering and healthy way?
Rejection is a fact of life. And I want to get good at dealing with it. I don’t want other people’s opinions of me to have such power over my thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to keep this habit of diving into a mass of self-degradation any time someone rejects me.
Here’s what I learned
1. Don’t EVER put people on a pedestal
I decided this guy was better than me. Mostly because he was wealthy and successful. And I have a habit of thinking other people are better than me. So, I sat down and listed all the things about him that I didn’t like. I came up with around 25 things (compared to about 5 things that I did like!). I started seeing the truth – that actually he wasn’t all that. I had been looking at him through rose tinted glasses. I even envisaged what it would be like if we did keep seeing each other. Chances are I would have ended up in so many uncomfortable situations because we had quite different interests. There were so many ways that it would be a mis-match. And that would have been a pain in the ass to deal with. Take off the rose tinted glasses. See the truth. The truth will set you free!
2. Don’t EVER forget who is supporting you
Whilst he may not have valued me, there are SO many people in my life who do. The numerous friends who lovingly helped me through the pain of rejection, the family I have, the people who I meet every day, the people I’ve worked with. Thousands and thousands of people in my lifetime so far have supported me. They have valued me. They have wanted me in their lives. And then there’s this one little man who didn’t. Even if I count up other rejections I’ve had in the past, it’s still a teeny weeny miniscule number compared to those who accept me. Rejections are like a spec of dust. Why give them so much importance?
3. Don’t WASTE your time
Every second you spend festering in rejection, feeling not good enough, wondering why that person didn’t pick you – whether it’s for a friendship, relationship or a job – is time wasted. It adds NOTHING to your life. It doesn’t help you move forward in ANY way. Some people wallow for years and years. You can’t get that time back. You’ve spent YOUR precious life on someone who didn’t value you. Don’t give them that power.
4. LEARN the lessons
Because this guy rejected me, I have now learned great new things about handling rejection. Lessons which will last me a life time. And, I am sharing them with you. For all I know, at least one of you might really need to hear this right now. If he hadn’t rejected me, I would not have learned to value myself a more. I would not have reflected on my own self-degrading behaviour. I would not have learned to stop putting people on pedestals. There are many more lessons. There are always lessons. Learn them.
5. People are not against YOU, they are for themselves
It’s really important to remember that other people’s behaviour really doesn’t have anything to do with you. Ultimately all they are interested in is meeting their own needs. I’ve rejected people because they didn’t meet my values. It’s nothing personal, I don’t hate them or think lowly of them. They just didn’t match. Don’t take it personally. Think of it like a transaction. A deal. Sometimes there’s just ‘no deal’ as my friend said.
6. Have FAITH
The right person/ job/ opportunity is not just the one that has all the right qualities in your eyes. It’s the one that chooses you. If they don’t choose you, they aren’t right. Trust that.