I was just watching an EPIC little clip by Aaron Doughty and I had a major realisation about how codependent I am, why I’m so sensitive to other people’s energies and emotions and, why I struggle to trust myself.
Here’s the lowdown – perhaps you’ll relate:
- When I was young it didn’t feel safe to be in my body (because of trauma, dysfunction and adverse experiences), so I wasn’t rooted in the body
- Instead I bought the energy up from my body into my mind, to my intuitive centre in particular
- This was so I could tap into everyone else and the environment around me, to figure out who I needed to be in order to feel safe there
- As a result I learned to be super sensitive to what everyone else was thinking, feeling, and needing
- But, this meant I became less grounded in me, my individual self and what I need.
- I lost connection with my own thoughts, choices, ideas, inner wisdom and so on.
- And whilst these patterns are rooted in my childhood they remain with me to this day
When I watched Aarons’s clip I had a very visceral experience of how truly disconnected from my self I have become. I don’t feel sovereign or separate from others. And I’m talking about separation from a healthy perspective, not negating the deeper truth that we are all one 🌌. It feels like I’ve lost myself.
It feels sad.
It feels like I’ve drifted.
Dissolved.
Off into the void.
Like a ghost.
This was actually surprising to realise because as I’m sure some people who know me would agree, I’m hardly someone who ‘dissolves’! But the truth is, the dissolving is done at a much deeper level than meets the eye. It’s subtle. And it’s a symptom/ result of codependency.
What is codependency?
“It is typically recognised as involving excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, parent, child, or other person.” (Bacon & Conway, 2023; Hunt, 2013).
In my life, it looks and feels like this:
- Being hyper focused on ‘the other person’. their thoughts, feelings, facial expressions, body language, mood, energy and needs; and I literally disappear. All I can see is ‘them’. Even if I’m very much part of the situation.
- The complete negation of my own needs and relegating my own inner yearnings as if they don’t exist. Feeling my inner voice screaming at me but being so practiced at ignoring it that I don’t even have to try, it’s just second nature.
- Taking other peoples opinions and ideas as instructions, as ‘right things that I must do‘. Not even considering for a second that I can choose to do things my way. Not only that, but I can choose differently to other people, I can even disagree.
- Constantly checking in with what other people think about me, my ideas, my thoughts, my contribution, choices, performance and so on. Always looking outside for permission and validation in everything I do and not moving an inch unless I get it. (This one might be more related to attachment styles but I’m going to leave it here because there’s so much overlap between these things.)
At the bottom of this blog I’ve linked 20 signs and symptoms of codependency. I ticked about 16 off the list! 😮
Codependency helped us survive
If this is resonating with you, know that codependency isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s simply an adaptation we developed when experiencing childhood trauma and dysfunction – abuse, neglect, abandonment, parental divorce, emotionally unstable and unavailable caregivers and so on.
It goes back to what Aaron said: you didn’t feel safe as a child so you became hyper aware of everyone else’s feelings so you could figure out how to be safe in that environment. Whether that was through people pleasing, ignoring your own needs, suppressing your emotions, becoming very agreeable, trying to fix other people’s problems, becoming overly responsible for others or more… codependency helped us get love, acceptance, attachment and, avoid pain, suffering and abandonment. It helped us survive. 🙏
But codependency will not helps us thrive
Codependency may have been helpful in childhood but, as an adult, we don’t need it and it’s causing more harm than good.
It’s making us exhausted, unhappy and sick. It’s stopping us making decisions, trusting ourselves, taking actions and creating our dreams. It’s draining our energy and making us live for other people rather than ourselves – and not in a good way, because genuinely serving others is not the same as people pleasing and over-anticipating people’s needs.
And it can actually damage and push away healthy relationships because healthy people don’t want to be excessively taken care of, hyper fixated on, or continually asked for advice, approval and validation. Anyone who wants that is the other side of your codependency coin – it takes two to tango, and you’re both stuck in the dance. 🙈
It’s time for change
If you think you’re suffering from codependency, consider how you might start reclaiming your sense of self. If this is all new to you I’d definitely recommend doing some research.
Some things that come up for me are:
- Making a decision without asking other people’s opinions
- Saying ‘no’ more often
- Vocalising my needs and not making them wrong and,
- Not asking permission, just doing what feels true for me
Try this visualisation
Another option might be some energy work through this visualisation I’ve made for you, to help you reclaim and regain your sense of self:
Rinse and repeat this as many times as you like! Whenever you feel yourself running away with the people out there, dissolving and losing yourself, stop, and draw yourself back using this visualisation. Do this over and over, until feeling ‘full’ becomes natural to you. 💗
As promised: 20 signs and symptoms of codependency: https://positivepsychology.com/codependency-definition-signs-worksheets/
