When we look to change something about ourselves or our lives, we might jump in without thinking about where we’re coming from. We might start trying to take action and making plans, not realising that there’s more than one way to do something. And, some ways may yield better results than others.

You see, there are three different ways to approach changing yourself and your life:

1. self criticism

This is where you focus on what’s wrong with you. You make sure you know how bad you are, how overweight you are, how poor you are and how single you are. You are hyper aware of your failures and shame yourself for them. You compare yourself negatively to others and overall believe that you’re not good enough and you must be better.

So, lose that weight because you’re chunky, save that money because you’re poor and get that promotion because you are worthless without it!

2. self motivation

Here, you’re going to ramp up the mojo by watching those shouty YouTube videos and Instagram reels that tell you to ‘GO GET IT.’ Go WIN. Work hard, be the best and achieve. This is YOUR year! YOUR time! You can do it. It’s on you to create all the things you want in your life.

So, go create that multimillion-pound business because the only thing stopping you is you. Get to the gym five times a week, don’t let resistance win, life is short and you’re the best! Go go goooo!

3. self love

Here, you’ll reflect with kindness and compassion on how you can nurture yourself and your life and focus on what truly matters to you. You take your time on your unique journey through life. You softly learn from your challenges and setbacks, you stretch and grow but do it with love and self-compassion. You want to build not break. Love not lose.

And, have you fun with it. You’re gently curious as you evolve and heal. You appreciate your progress as you create and grow. You rest when you need to and celebrate every tiny step forward, every tiny win. You keep putting one foot in front of the other and let the path unfold, cheering yourself on.

Do you feel the difference between these?

I do. I used to unconsciously choose self-criticism. That was my playbook, my conditioning. Growing up, I was constantly criticised, never enough, compared to others and pushed into action. And so, that became the way I treated myself. It was horrible. It made me miserable and often too beaten down to take the action required to change certain areas of my life.

I also dabbled in self-motivation. But I found it exhausting and superficial. The motivation industry’s focus on material gain just doesn’t drive me. I want deeper change. Deeper fulfilment. Deeper results.

Committing to self love

I truly believe you can love yourself into anything, through anything, to anything. Love will always be the greatest power and force.

Love isn’t weak or fluffy. It’s gentle, yet incredibly strong. To quote Interstellar, “Love is the only force that transcends time and space.” You can deeply love someone who’s no longer here, and that love can shape your life profoundly. Love binds us beyond the physical realm.

When I focus on love, I feel strong, cared for and okay. From there, I can move through my journey of growth and contribution with grace and clarity. All the rest, the self-criticism and self-motivation, feels like ego-driven noise. It may get temporary results, but it’s overwhelmingly hard and unsustainable. At least it is for me.

This isn’t to say transformation through love will be free of challenges. It won’t be. But when you approach challenges with love, gentleness, curiosity and inspiration, you’re better equipped to handle them than if you’re trying to punch through them with ego.

And, motivation has a shelf life. Love does not. It’s a much more reliable and sustainable driver of change.

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