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I am exhausted. But I’m unable to rest without guilt. I am worn out and tired from life’s battles and demands. But I’m unable to rest without guilt. 😳

And what that means is that even if I do try to rest, I can’t really put my mind or body at ease because they are constantly fighting the state of rest making the whole thing even more exhausting! 🫩

What is this resistance to rest?

This fear of it? What am I afraid of, what will happen if I ‘stop’? What will happen if I rest? Why do I feel so guilty when I rest?

There are many layers to the answers to these questions, there are a number of underlying beliefs and perspectives that are roadblocks on the path to rest. Let’s have a look at a few:

1. I’ll get left behind

The world will move on without me if I’m not active within it. Rest means inactivity and I will get left behind. Everyone else will move ahead and I’ll be left ‘back there’, alone and forgotten.

This is all about keeping up. Keeping up with the world that is moving at an ever increasing and relentless pace. If I stop to rest, I’ll get left behind and that’s scary – at least, to our animalistic, tribal mind. Being left alone and not being part of the group is a threat to our survival – even if we’re just imagining it happening, the fear of it alone is enough to affect us.

And so when our mind, body and soul yearns for a break, we ignore it and just keep pushing forward because we have to keep up. Even if we’re not sure where we’re going.

2. I’ll lose control of my life

My fear of resting is also linked to a fear of letting go. Rest means to put down the reigns and stop directing your life and all that’s in it, and relinquishing control for at least a few moments.

What will happen though, if you dare to do that? The idea of it feels very uncomfortable to me. Will everything fall apart? If I’m not ‘doing’ my life, who is? I have to keep on top of it, surely.

Herein lies a deep sense of ‘it’s all on me’. There’s no room for the awareness that I’m part of something much greater like the entire planet and all it’s beings, let alone something even huger like the universe and God.

From this perspective, it’s just little old me and my life is 100% in my control and dependent on my ‘doing’. So to stop ‘doing’ would mean a kind of death. And of course, this again triggers my innate need for survival and so, I cannot stop. I must keep marching on. I must stay alive. I must be in control of my life. I cannot rest.

3. My worth is based on what I do

So to be inactive, to rest, is to render myself completely unviable in this world. And more-so, it actually causes within me a deep sense of shame. I am worthless. Inherently. And that sucks. So, I better make myself valuable by what I can do. I dare not stop or else I’ll become nothing.

I know in my heart how incredibly flawed is this view. But it’s very pervasive for me. And deeply linked to my inability to rest.

4. Lack of love and self compassion

Alongside all of this that I’ve mentioned so far, is a sense of harshness against oneself. For me, it’s a stark lack of love and self compassion. It’s almost self harming. Self abuse.

I mean, if we saw a working farm animal being pushed to it’s knees, not getting enough rest or recovery, we would find this abhorrent. Yet, we do it to ourselves. At least, I do.

I lack self care and compassion in this respect. I lack gentleness with myself – the kind that I have in abundance for others but I cannot seem to find when it comes to me. Even when it hurts and harm is being done, it’s really hard for me to stop and rest.

5. I’m waiting for permission to rest

This one hits very deep for me, it’s giving me an ‘aha’ moment.

This may sound bizarre but it makes total sense to me based on my upbringing and it will to you too, if you grew up in a hyper controlling environment.

Were you taught to recognise, honour and follow your own intuition and inner wisdom, or only to follow the instructions given by others? Did all your direction come from outside as opposed to from within you?

Of course as children we need a level of instructing from the outer world, but that’s not the same as being so strictly controlled that you lose touch with your own inner knowing and sense of self; and may even actively be encouraged or demanded, to ignore your inner knowing and sense of self. You may be taught to relegate it. You may even be told that it’s wrong, that you are wrong.

And so you learn that you can’t trust yourself. You lose your sovereignty and your autonomy. You lose your ability to self govern. Which means that when your inner voice says ‘I need to rest’, you ignore it and you wait for an outside voice to tell you the same. Even if that voice never comes. You will keep waiting. And in the meantime, you’ll suffer.

Let’s look at how we move forward

None of the above is a healthy, sustainable way to live. We need rest, we need recovery and we have to allow ourselves to have it. Here are some of my current thoughts on reprogramming our behaviours and healing the guilt and shame around rest.

1. We have to choose a new source of permission

Our permission to rest cannot come from the outer world or anyone in it.

The world will not direct us to rest. Tell me, do you see it out there? Who out there is encouraging you to slow down, to take a break, to take time off? It may be happening in some places, but do you think it’s common for most people? I don’t.

The whole system is set up to drive you and use you almost constantly. Much of western humanity is in a race to the grave, full of stress and exhaustion by the time they get there. I wouldn’t look out there for permission to rest (or indeed for permission at all!).

You also can’t get permission to rest from your traumatised mind and childhood conditioning. That’s where all the thoughts like ‘I’m not worthy’ come from in the first place. You picked this stuff up when you were young and it’s still talking to you. It’s still driving you. Its not the place of higher wisdom or authority. Do not seek there.

Instead, our permission must come from one or both of two places. Some would say they are one and the same, I’ll leave that for you to decide:

Number 1: from your own intuition. Your own inner wisdom and the nudges, signs and signals from your own body, telling you to rest. Listen. To. That. That is your permission.

Number 2: from God, from a higher power. If you have a relationship with something greater than you and you seek guidance from it, it may also guide you lovingly, to rest. If so, Listen. To. That. That is your permission.

2. Treat yourself like a child you love

I teach this advice in all walks of life and all types of challenges, it really is so transferable and useful. And it’s simply this: how would you treat a child you loved, in this situation?

For example, if a child is exhausted, if their mind, body and soul are yearning for rest, but they keep pushing themselves and they feel bad and guilty for wanting to stop. What would you do? What would you say?

Don’t rush to answer, just sit with it for a minute. You might even like to close your eyes and visualise that child, a child, perhaps even you as a child… and see, with a heart full of love for this beautiful, innocent being who is struggling to rest – how would you be? What would you say or do?

Once you have the answer… do that, for you.

3. Remember that your life is bigger than you

The idea that my whole life is my own doing and thus I cannot afford to rest or I’ll lose control or get left behind, is simply folly. I’d say that MOST of my life is not my doing or in my control.

I didn’t make myself or birth myself. I didn’t grow my own body through my own intelligence. There is a great intelligence within me, but it’s not ‘me’. It’s not ‘Pinky’. And Pinky didn’t make this laptop that I’m writing on. She didn’t build the house that she’s sitting in. She didn’t create the language in which she types and speaks. Nor did she make the clothes she wears or the food she eats. Mostly what she does, is receive it all.

I receive the majority of my life. I do make some choices along the way, I interact with things, I take actions, they have an effect, I leave my fingerprints on a teeny tiny part of this world, but most of what is happening here in my life and way beyond is completely out of my league. My jurisdiction. My capability. It is not something that I have any control over. It is not being done by me.

And so, this idea that if I step back for a minute, if I rest, if I stop, then it’s all going to collapse, is laughable to say the least! 😂

4. Redefine rest

I’ll close with this final thought: that we should redefine rest.

We think, mistakenly, that rest is ‘doing nothing’. A complete halt. A full stop. But actually, it’s not.

When you rest, your body for example is regenerating. We have a state in our nervous system called ‘rest and digest’ and that’s literally what it does when we’re calm and relaxed. Lots of good, healthy functions are happening when we rest.

When you rest at night and nod off to sleep, your brain is also doing it’s greatest work. It’s cleaning itself, it’s regenerating and sorting and assimilating the information from the day, it’s ensuring your mind can be on top form the next morning.

I’ll leave you with a quote commonly attributed to Nicola Jane Hobbs:

“Instead of asking, ‘Have I worked hard enough to deserve rest?’ I’ve started asking, ‘Have I rested enough to do my most loving, meaningful work?“

Until next time… I hope you enjoy your rest! And be sure to let me know what you think about this piece, in the comments below.